Let's Make Chipmunk Chicken Soap!

So I'm not exactly a dirty hippy, or the Bear Grills of anything, but I grew up in a rural area, and basic wilderness safety is part of life. I decided to bone up on my surviviness at www.wilderness-survival.net and I began to wonder, could I really make soap out of a chipmunk if it came down to that?

So we all know some of the most important things to survive are food, water, and shelter. But also not dying needlessly of infection is probably a good idea. And if you're fishing or hunting to feed yourself, you're getting some nasty salmonella and other germs on your hands. And assuming you've got diddly squat, how do you clean your hands? The only things I remembered about soap making was that the water down stream from an Aztec human sacrifice spot always got their whites their whitest, and that Brad Pitt made soap out of rich fat people and kissed burns into Ed Norton's hand. And while you may think that this has obviously given me all I need to flourish in the great outdoors, I was looking for a way to wash my hands without committing a felony. Plus, what if I was stranded with no one to mow down for soap materials?

Enter the chipmunk. Or squirrel, or whatever I'm having for dinner. Wilderness Survival tells me to chop up that fabulous fat into cubes, boil with a little water to render the oil, and then mix 2 parts oil with 1 part potash, which is apparently the strainer leavings of a wood ash and water slurry after you pour it through a t-shirt. Then shape into sea shells and wrap for holiday gifts.

But, Judy, you say, I'm plumb out of chipmunks! What's a girl to do outside of the forest? This common problem, along with wondering what exactly rendering and potash are supposed to look like, has lead me to my weekend experiment: Walmart Chicken Soap.

Combining the laziness of a squishy succulent rotisserie chicken and some burnt bamboo skewers, I shall create cleanliness.... await the outcome!

UPDATE: Haynes Management and Carl Sorabella

Things seem to be slowing down in the media coverage of this case, but as my commenters noted, Haynes took their sight down, and this article while making a valiant attempt to see both sides of the story, points out that Haynes Management's site went down for a while, and that they have received over 100 bad reviews on Yelp this month. There is also a petition with over 13,000 signatures.

The most interesting development is this joint statement from Haynes Management and Carl Sorabella stating:

JOINT STATEMENT
HAYNES MANAGEMENT, INC.
CARL & KATHY SORABELLA

Carl Sorabella left his position at Haynes Management by mutual agreement. Mr. and Mrs. Sorabella regret any perception otherwise that may have arisen. To allow Mr. and Mrs. Sorabella to focus on Mrs. Sorabella’s health, neither Haynes nor Mr. and Mrs. Sorabella will be commenting further on this matter.
###


I'd love to know the details of this. I have no facts to report as to how it came about, but I have personal speculation. It seems to me that in order to recover their damaged PR without admitting to any wrong, that Haynes would either have to bribe or threaten the Sorabella's into making that statement, and considering the amount of public support for the couple, threatening wouldn't be very safe for the company, unless they had some massive skeletons to haul out. But I just don't think a middle aged accountant at a small real estate company is likely to have skeletons that big. So this makes me think (and hope) that a quiet financial settlement was most likely reached. Let's hope it's enough to take care of the family through their struggle with disease.

And don't let them fall from you mind just because the sensationalism is over. Cancer is a heart breaking, torturous process, for the victim and the family, no matter how much money is in your pocket. Tout your support for them as loudly as you did against Haynes, and let them know that we are wishing them well and keeping them in our thoughts.

Tell Hayne Management What You Think

In my previous post this morning, Massachusetts man, Carl Sorabella was fired when he informed his boss at Haynes Management in Wellesley, MA that his wife had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was expected to live only months.

Since then I have located contact information for Haynes Management. I encourage you to write the company and state your disapproval of their behavior. (Please note however, that the writer of this blog does not condone or encourage any sort of bodily threats. This is a business matter, if a heinous one, and violence has no place here.)

G. Arnold Haynes, President- gahaynes@haynesmanagement.com
Mary R. Butler, Vice President- mbutler@haynesmanagement.com

Phone- 781 235 4300
Fax- 781 237 1408

Also, here is a handy link to Haynes Management's contact info to pass on to friends and colleagues: http://www.haynesmanagement.com/contact/

Below is a copy of the letter that I sent to Mr. Haynes and Ms. Butler.

Mr. Haynes,

I am a social media correspondent for a mid-sized web marketing company in the northeast. Independent of my employment related social media projects, I run 3 well received blogs, several Facebook pages and Twitter accounts, and have a reach of hundreds of thousands of readers. I am writing to let you know that I fully intend on using every single outlet available to me to make the public aware of your reprehensible treatment and dismissal of Carl Sorabella. 


When a man works for a company for 14 years, and does what, I assume due to his length of employment and the fact that he received a raise last November, is a satisfactory job, when he devotes so much of his life to the company it seems horrific that you should banish him at a time when his employment is most needed. Why apply your talents to loyally building up a single company if they are only going to abandon you the moment you have the slightest hardship? When a man asks to continue to do his job and also the ability to care for his family, it seems immoral to behave as your company has. What actions should you have preferred that Mr. Sorabella take? Would it have been preferable that he shun and ignore his wife after her terminal diagnosis was given? Is that the sort of moral character you would prefer your employees to possess?


 I will be using every opportunity to share this man's tragic story on all social networks, with everyone on my email lists, on the radio shows I am scheduled on, with every person I meet, and everywhere else I can spread the word until I hear that you have done your duty by your long time employee Carl Sorabella. 


And do not fear that I am only momentarily angered and will lose motivation. I have means as well as impetus, and I will not only help the Sorabellas, but also make sure everyone possible knows how your company treated them.

Sincerely,

Judith McCloskey

Appalled American

Massachusetts Man Fired Over Wife's Cancer Diagnosis

When Carl Sorabella told his employer of 14 years, Haynes Real Estate Management of Wellesley Hills, that his wife had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they fired him.

WTF? In this article from WCVB Boston, Sorabella details how he had gone to his employer after learning  his wife of 23 years, Kathy, had been diagnosed with lung cancer and had been told she had mere months to live. Facing this most horrid last roller coaster together, Kathy went on disability, and Carl spoke to his long time employer to inform them of the situation and make arrangements to work nights and weekends to fulfill his job duties and still be able to care for his wife and take her to the numerous and expensive treatments and appointments.

"When I told my boss, she said 'We were thinking about laying you off.' I thought, 'You can't do that,'" Sorabella told WCVB 5 in Boston.

By the end of the week he was told not to worry, but on Monday morning Mr. Sorbella found a note on his desk, firing him. Sorabella said the letter stated he was being laid off due to "workforce modifications." But one week after he was fired, he says he saw a listing for his job on the company website.

"She said, 'It's business. I'm running a company here, and I need to make sure the department runs.' And I argued that I would make sure the company runs," Sorabella said.

As Haynes Management has less than 50 employees, it is not subject to state and federal laws concerning sickness such as the Family and Medical Leave Act.

What You Can Do

Unfortunately, the Sorabellas are not alone in their unfortunate treatment at the hands of an employer.  I am going to use every outlet possible to spread the word about the heinous behavior of Haynes Management. Aside from keeping my blog readers updated on the Sorabellas, I am also regularly posting this information to Facebook, as well as on Twitter under the hashtags #Sorabella and #Haynes Management. It is important that the public understands the actions of this company.

More than just spreading the word of the low character of Haynes Management, there are things we can do to actually help the Sorabellas. Kathy's diagnosis has, thankfully, changed, and she has been given years, not months to live at this point. However, those precious few years come at a high cost to an already financially strained couple. My own family had the misfortune of nursing loved ones through cancer, and aside from the emotional hurricane of the disease and loss, the financial toll is considerable. My charge to you is to help me find if anyone has set up a ChipIn account for the Sorabellas. If we can't locate one by tomorrow, I'll launch one right here on How to Sauté Conservatives where we can all donate via PayPal, any amount. From 1 dollar to 100 it will make a difference. If enough people ChipIn just the amount of spare change in their pocket, it will make the Sorabella's future much less scary, and hopefully will help them to find better times.

Put a Bird On It

I have been quite suspicious for a while that I may be turning into a Hipster. My retro mismatched wardrobe and penchant for reducing trash are strong indicators, however, I don't listen to a single band that you haven't heard of, I don't have an ugly hair cut, and I ate a sausage McMuffin yesterday morning on my way to work. While I'll admit I'm ashamed of my McMuffining, it made me feel less pretentious. And that made me more pretentious.

Anyway, here are the possibly hipeter-esque things I'm about lately.

1. Composting! 

Yeah, composting motherfucker! I've got this sweet kitty litter bucket setup under my sink into which I dump all of my veggies and junk mail. It's got a carbon filter that can be washed and reused that cost about a buck at Home Depot, and it's cut my weekly trash from two bags down to less than one. I've been having to get creative about what to do with the finished compost product however. My house plants are full of it, as are my neighbors. (I had the great experience of knocking on my 90 year old neighbor lady's door offering a baggy of compost for her house plants, and having her ask 4 times why I wanted to give her dirt.) I've seen suggestions of "guerrilla fertilizing", i.e. dumping it on trees and plants in the public parks and whatnot, but I've been slow to embrace this method as the community isn't terribly hip to composting and might suspect me of making petunia bombs or something. Any suggestions are welcome.

2. ACM pod cast on iTunes

Totally awesome podcast features full length old movies. They have a great range from things like His Girl Friday, to The Brain That Wouldn't Die, 39 Steps, to The Wild Women of Wongo. Plus there are great silent movies too, featuring the greats like Buster Keaton, and they have serials like Captain America. Plus more westerns than you can shake a stick at, and they update all the time. I'm still working through my downloads from 4 months ago. 

3. Trash Free Year

Jen Metz of Hawaii has vowed to recycle, compost, and reuse her way to no trash for the whole of 2011. She details her challenges in purchasing things without packaging, dining out, and even alternatives to things we normally discard, like toothbrushes and deodorant containers. While a little shy, I'm adopting many of her practices one by one, to try to work up to the goal. 

4. Dottie Angel: A Challenge of the Utmost Kind

Dottie Angel is the dream persona of Tiff, a Brit with 4 kids and will to be happy. Her Challenge of the Utmost Kind is a one year project to buy only second hand or locally hand made clothing and home products to reuse what the world has (and she also has issues with big business that I won't get into here). I personally hit the thrift store as a first choice for whatever I need, and applaud this idea. Which brings me to another new found love....

5. The Cat's Pajama's

How adorable a name is that? It's a new thrift store back home that benefits the Dessin Animal Shelter. (I volunteered there when I was a teenager, it's a really tops rescue operation) Not only is it benefiting an organization I love, but it offers local alternative to the Salvation Army, which I completely abhor, and for which I will detail the reasons in an upcoming post. The Cat's Pajama's also has some great advantages over the city second hand shops I frequent. Due to the more rural community it's not picked over to death by hipsters (except me), additionally, due to the population mix, there are some real finds in what has been donated. There are some pretty nifty treasures that you just know some little old lady had tucked away for years. The last time I stopped in, I got a 50's era mirrored vanity tray identical to one my mother had, a snazzy real leather envelope purse, a Harry Potter jigsaw puzzle, a whole box of dishes (22 pieces total), a hand made afghan, and a real silver tray.  I spent 14 dollars in total. I helped homeless animals, I helped the environment, I helped my wallet, and I helped my apartment get some super awesome new additions!

6. Wegman's 4 Cheese Alfredo Sauce.

It's not organic, it's not fat free, but it does only cost 1.98 and it's amazing. If you need to front, it tastes like you spent years in cooking classes. I shamelessly tell everyone my delicious secret. 

7. Adventure Time

I only watch documentaries, the Daily Show, and cartoons, and I get the whole of entertainment there. Adventure Time is a 15 minute show that's on Mondays at 8 EST on the Cartoon Network. It has a boy named Finn with a sword and a dog named Jake that changes shapes. They save princesses, get in trouble, thwart witches, and have the smartest, most ridiculous writing on television. It's not Will Farrell-ridiculous for no reason, this is intelligent, slick, and awkward. WATCH IT. (there are also 2 re-runs on tuesdays at 8 pm. EST)

8. Sushi

Not the delicious, delicious food, the delicious, delicious person. I've recently re-acquired this lovely, and am quite pleased. It's less cranky than it used to be, and doesn't mind that I'm secretly having an affair with it's beard.

So the moral of the story is that life isn't all that bad, and I may or may not be a hipster.

Ever Since I Got Eyebrows My Head Explodes

Indeed. Being a browed individual isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I'm feeling rather bitter, but one small bit of irony should be commented on. Much like DelhiRat declaring his love through a minute system, I had the experience of someone telling me that he cared about me and would support me whilst simultaneously telling me that my problems were invalid and ditching me because I was harshing his mellow. Now, while it is the inalienable right of any person to decide they don't give a shit about any other person and ditch them, it seems a bit mean and neurotic and 1984 ish to claim the exact opposite while you're doing it.

Ok, I'll fake happier tomorrow and give you something worth reading.

Chowdah, out.

Art Ghetto Deco Fabulous

I just lofted my $1200 mattress and matching boxspring 15" off the ground with some five gallon paint buckets and added a bed skirt. Classy. Also, the three odd overpriced bed frames I own are watching me from the closet feeling very indignant. Surprisingly, it looks like a super tall super expensive set up. I'm going to put a piece of wood or some sucky curtain/giant photo combination behind my head and call it a day. A day that has brought me storage options. Yes.

I also managed to repaint my dresser, chest, desk and chair today. I've had the same furniture since I was three. (Hey, it's solid wood, it matches, and I didn't have to pay for it.) Instead of buying new bull crap particle board at Ikea and looking homeless (forget about the paint buckets for a minute) I just change the hardware and slap a fresh coat of white paint on it ever seven years or so. Once again, I thank my mother's forsight in purchasing furniture I could "grow with" and also in realizing I would be a broke ass actor that could not afford to buy a whole big grown up bedroom suit. Mom was psychic.

Does anyone know where I can purchase a hot pink dry erase pen? This is one of those obviously grave matters in my life.

AND the Somewhat Gelatinous B.L.O.B from Beyond the Grave (And Also The Grave Is In Outerspace) opened this week, with my surely Jeff Award winning fight choreography. It's fun, it's catchy, it's downright spiffy. Come see it wed-sat at 8:00pm at the Cornservatory 4210 N. Lincoln Ave, Chicago. Yay. Teenager/Young Adult friendly! (well, they do say GD it a lot, but other than that, it's cool. And besides, your 13 year old says much worse stuff than that when you're not around.)

Plus, after watching the show about six nights in a row during tech, I went to the second night of it with my friend MaidMary, and still found it adorable and funny. That's impressive. Afterward we went to get drinks with the cast. Did I mention I love this cast? Not only are they all terribly attractive, they're freaking awesome. Two of the drunker ones let me drive their 1990 Jag home and bought me a pie from McDonald's. Upstanding citizens, I assure you.

I got the part of Maid Marian in the Ren Faire fight cast. Woo hoo! Now I'm trying to figure out how to get airconditioning under that hoop skirt all summer...

And it is now officially March, and that's close enough to actual spring for me. Woo hoo!

Oh, and did I ever tell you that I'm an ordained minister? Seriously. I got it done on the internet in about five minutes. Yay America. I'm an Atheist minister, but it's cool because the church that ordained me supports not only the biggies like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, etc, but also they specifically mention their support of Inter Faith beliefs, Atheism, and Jedi-ism. I love this Church because it is the most religiously offensive all inclusive thing I have ever heard of and I think it only exists as a website and a P.O. Box. Did I mention, yay America?

Gullible's Travels Recap

-Saw Asianses at Bryn Mawr while discussing the virtues of twinkle lights.

-Lost in Dunmore

-Got fitted for a much smaller than expected gown.

-Dogs admired by dress lady

-Sushi bought me dinner

-Hid dogs inside restaurant. Successfully.

-Dogs pooped outside restaurant. Successfully.

-Raced a storm across PA at 100 mph.

-Chemical spill

-Closed Interstate

-Closed Detour

-Lackluster hotel room

-Dogs pooped

-Benny walked all over my head while I attempted to sleep.

-Got up on time

-Forgot favorite pillow at crappy hotel

-Ate pretzel for breakfast

-Ate Rolaids for brunch

-Missed turn for 80 in Ohio due to lack of signs. Because no one in Ohio can read anyway.

-Got $180.00 speeding ticket, which I deserved. Really, really deserved.

-Dogs pooped.

-Had to be in Indiana.

-Scrounged for toll booth change. Paid in pennies.

-Hate both Indiana and Illinois.

-Paid four bucks to drive over a bridge without water under it.

-Got to city at rush hour and have no parking spot.

-Found that roommate had strewn actual trash all over living room and kitchen. Classy.

-Chinchilla pooped.

-Gave up on legal parking.

I think that this is a sign that I was right and should stay at home watching movies with Sushi and planning wedding stuff.