So the second of the I Wanna Kill Myself to Be With My Misogynist Boyfriend Forever Saga came out recently. And I dd not see it. But I still have opinions...In case you were distracted by the shiny cars, giant hair, and shinier body glitter, here is a quick summary of the Twilight Series.
Book One: Twilight
A pale girl with good grades, good parents, good clothes, and one and only one sympathetic and mandatorially endearing flaw (she's clumsy) moves in with her dad in wet rainy Washington State to selflessly give her loving mother and stepfather "space". Bullshit. Anyway, this whiny bitch moves in with her dad who buys her a truck, and then she treats him like fucking dirt. She goes to school and all the boys are falling all over her, and she eventually has to suffer through THREE invitations to the dance, Oh No! It's hard being so plain that everyone wants to be your friend and take you out. There are some pasty rich kids and she gets a hard on for one of them and accidentally gets to sit next to him in biology, which makes him act like he wants to throw up. She is charmed by this. Then some kid almost hits her with a van, pasty nauseated boy stops the van like superman, and when they go to the hospital she's all like, What was that? And he's all like, Nothing, shut the fuck up and mind your own business. And she loves him like any abuse victim would. He keeps telling her to go the fuck away, which obviously means he loves her, right? Then she wanders around some city she doesn't know, goes hiking through a warehouse district trying to get raped, and nauseated boy psychically finds her and drives wrecklessly onto the scene in an obnoxious car. Then he buys her a coke, and tells her he's not attracted to her sexually but she's delicious and he wants to eat her. She loves him so much that she wants to commit suicide. Yay! Then he drives her to school. She wants to have sex, but like any perpetually 17 year old boy, he says, no thank you ma'am, I won't make a dishonest woman of you, just a snack. So he hangs out in her room all night, everynight. Also, he sparkles for her. Oh, and Vampires and Jesus are cool with one another, and you still have to go absorb all that religious die for someone sort of bullshit. His J.Crew vampire family thinks she's delicious and takes her to play baseball, like vampires do. Some fashion victim vampires show up, One of them also thinks she delicious, and tries to eat her, which upsets nauseated boy. They travel a lot and then smash up a dance studio and nauseated boy's brother snaps the fashion victim vampire's neck. Then they go to the prom! He promises he will never ever ever ever leave her.
Moral: Your dad's an idiot, a free car is nothing unless it's a Porsche, when people are mean to you it means they love you, and being superbly popular and having lots of friends is such a bore that you should find a boyfriend who orders you around and makes you want to kill yourself.
Book Two: New Moon
He leaves her. Now she is aged and decepit and at her 18th birthday she cuts her finger and his brother tries to eat her. Giant hair boy dumps her for being too delicious to other people. She, sensibly, falls down on the forest floor and goes into a coma. Then she leads on Native American Boy with great abs who has a huge crush on her, cuz that's ok. She makes him fix her motorcycle and then tries to basically kill herself to get a halucinogenic high of her d-bag ex-boyfriend. She lies to her stupid dad because he just DOESN'T GET HOW UPSET SHE IS BECAUSE SHE AND GIANT HAIR BOY ARE MEANT TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then she jumps off a cliff. Giant hair boy goes to Italy to sparkle himself to death, but she finds out and makes her father relive the day his wife left him in order to go and stop Giant Hair Boy. Then they go to an Anne Rice novel for a little while, and come back and tell her pining buddy that she's back with d-bag over there. Oh and her buddy turned into a werewolf because of d-bag and had to leave home.
Moral: Acting like a psycho because you got dumped and trying to kill yourself is totally normal. You don't need coping skills. Using another boy who is in love with you is totally ok, because you need to have your motorcycle fixed to get your high. Also, you're dad's still an idiot and emotionally scarring him is ok if you're gonna go to Europe. And at 18 you need wrinkle cream, you haggy old bitch.
Book Three: Eclipse
I didn't even bother to read this one. Seriously. There are some super extra strong new vampires and they kill them and stuff.
Moral: These books still suck.
Book Four: Breaking Dawn
This is where Meyer included every random thing she saw on tv that month. She graduates, decides to lie about going to college, marries the d-bag, the go to some island and fuck so hard they break the house, and then she gets instantly preggo from his super living dead sperm and makes a baby in like fifteen minutes. Except they fly to his parents first and when it's obvious that the fetus monster is trying to kill her, "And then Bella vomited a fountain of blood." They have a discussion about how abortion is wrong and our heroine decides to die (FINALLY!) but unfortunately the book doesn't stop there. Giant Hair boy gnaws open her uterus with his teeth to save the Monster Baby and then turns her into a vampire. And Surprise! She's the most specialest, prettiest, stongest, sparkliest, vampire-i-est vampire ever! Used Werewolf boy marks the baby, and declares his pedophilic lover for it. Then the Anne Rice people come back and there's a big conversation in the field over killing Monster Baby. And then it's all cool, and the Monster Baby grows up superfast so that werewolf boy can get to banging it. Oh and her stupid idiot dad is all cool with the dead daugher thing and the creepy baby.
Moral: ABORTION IS WRONG! JESUS IS RIGHT! YOUR DAD'S AN IDIOT! DO EVERYTHING YOUR DESSERTER BOYFRIEND TELL YOU TO DO! DON'T HAVE PREMARITAL SEX! HUMP BABIES!
KILL YOURSELF!
These books aren't just drivel, they are fucking dangerous for girls or ANYONE to be reading. I gave my niece a copy of Atlas Shrugged instead.
Please don't buy, read, look at, or think of any of these books, movies, or related topics. Also, please stab Stephanie Meyer through the heart with a stake for poisoning children's minds. And Rob Pattinson for a paid performance that could have been done by a lamp wearing a Fonzie wig.
Read this Instead
